So often I see people get caught up in adult issues they fail to see their children in the thick of it alongside of them. Have you ever considered their grief within your grief?
Eight years ago I began a process that pleaded with the Father to save my marriage. Three years ago my husband fully gave in, turned away and left us holding the shattered pieces of our life that we had hoped were going to be salvaged. A year and a half ago I finally came to terms with the fact that he really wasn't returning and our covenant had truly been broken for a long time. After three years in court, unprecedented delays for various reasons, I received final documents just recently. I expected I would probably feel another layer of unexpected grief as I did when my parents finalized their divorce. The grief did not come in a fresh wave as I expected. I did not feel overwhelming happiness or joy but I did feel release. A release I did not even realize I was needing. And resolve to walk out the abrupt changes my children would be now facing.
For my children however it began their grief full on (even while some changes brought some excitement it is still an adjustment to a new normal.) They aren't privy to all the details nor are they mature enough to understand the ins and outs. For them they will always have the same biological father and biological mother. This can not be changed. Life was not supposed to unfold the way it has. Nothing will ever be the same.
How often do we recognize the grief that children are forced to suddenly embrace? If a parent physically died we would not question their need to grieve. And yet with living parents, a death-this divorce death, this way of life death-has occurred and they must figure out how to negotiate the living parts that are among the dead. They have walked out so much in three years in the capacity that they are capable, yet the longing, always hoping for a redemptive story has been oozing from their very core. Research confirms this is 100% normal (not that I need that to validate what I see they feel) and I resonate with this as a child of divorce myself. (How I prayed and wept little girl tears for a decade for my parents to stay together.) I have told each of my children over and over in timely moments they needed to hear it, that it is not their fault... never was, has been nor will be their fault. (Please be sure to tell yours.) To have a final ruling and closure to this chapter means it started a fresh and very real grief process at this moment for them. They are starting to grieve where I was forced to begin three years ago.
I anticipate this year to be a year of firsts just like other grief paths. First birthdays, first holidays, divided, shared, doubled. They suddenly have to grow up and articulate their needs sometimes in areas that should be a given for them to walk protected.
Only by the grace of God is redemption within such trauma possible… only He can speak to and redeem the depths of these "shouldn’t be this way" places. The bible (thus history from the beginning of time) is full of “shouldn’t be this way” life hurdles… life is just chock full of them. It is impossible to live and not experience things outside of His design in this fallen world. These things should always be pointing us vertically to Him. When things fall apart, He is my only constant.
If you are walking grief out with your children in any form here is what I know:
*Every person moves through grief differently. Allow that to happen.
*More than one big emotion can exist at once (happy and scared, grief and joy). Expect to see them tangled sometimes.
*Recognize that nothing will be the same ever again. Time will heal but don't rush them through it.
*Have someone you can process with as an adult. Learn to hear your children but then take time to be heard yourself when moments feel too hard.
*Listen, cry, feel with them. Listen to yourself, feel, take time to cry afterwards as needed. I find a quiet space to pray and give it to the Father almost daily.
*Speak truth. If they are old enough to ask direct questions, they deserve direct answers.
*Do not allow their identity to be defined by the situation. Simply telling them may not be enough. It may be many conversations and connecting with them in ways that affirm who they are.
*Slow down and limit distractions in every area that you can. They need you to be present. And if you are a single parent, working like I am, this is even more important. You must provide but they also need your presence.
PS Send me all the juggling single parenting tips because I for sure do not have this down! ;)
*The first year of any grief process is full of hurdles because it is full of firsts. But there will be firsts that go beyond the first year. There will be moments for life that will surface a longing, a moment of loss. Don't let this feel daunting-just be aware. If allowed to move through grief, no one is going to stay as broken feeling as they are in this moment. Grace is available and strength does come.
Spoiler alert: If you did not have anyone to walk out grief, hear your heart as a child, it is not too late for your adult heart.
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