This is a picture of growth and wonder. Of incremental release.
I expected to have to do so for my bigs. I was not expecting to do so for younger children trying to live on their heels. Sometimes saying no is still a very hard thing to do. Older children have more maturity, more responsibilities and more privileges. That is simply a way of life. Younger children just don't get to do all that they can. Sometimes it works for both. Younger children get to experience the bigger children's release... the bigs need to know they are capable and trusted.
(NOTE: This was unexpectedly where I have had to have wisdom to know how and when to release before I was feeling ready. Sometimes yes. Sometimes no.)
We talked about it when the girls were little, this incremental release as they moved through the teenage years. There was so much wisdom in these two simple words. To me this meant that we are literally exchanging parenting styles, moving into a role that allows us to still counsel them while giving them the wings to succeed, the freedom to fail. I need both, why shouldn't they?
I have witnessed much religious control and I have seen too much unchecked freedom that has overflowed into parenting. I have inadvertently in my own healing process flirted on both sides looking for balance and truth. Too much one way says "You don't have any choices. I will control you." The other says "I don't really care what you do, do whatever you want." Both can come from a place of fear, from wounded places and can become toxic if we refuse to address our own inner issues.
NOTE to self: No condemnation for healing. The goal is self growth and moving forward. Never impossible perfection (as parents or children).
How can we be parents that communicate both?
I want to love fiercely with both mercy and truth. I want to share from my own failures authentically and I must have an open door to their heart to do so. Less talking. More listening. Timing in my words. I want to have the ability to speak into red flags without flagging every thing I see. I want to allow for real life to unfold, the opportunity to know themselves, be themselves, like themselves.
We are not meant to hold onto our children forever but to launch them into their future. It is my absolute pleasure to let them explore who they are and experience new things.
However no one really prepared me for the release I was going to need to do in giving them release. All the grace I have learned for myself and others in my lifetime is called into action right now. Because they are essential mini versions of me and my ex spouse with all of themselves intertwined. I can't extend grace for their similar struggles for what I have not yet received for myself. And the struggles are real. And the similarities are rampant.
We are all meant to go deeper. I was rereading Ezekiel 47 recently and each step deeper into what I perceive is God's grace and the Holy Spirit, was LED. You can't be led if you are holding too tightly to what needs to be released. Being led takes surrender. It takes letting go. Letting go means I have to trust the One leading or have the faith to believe that what He says is true and I learn to trust in the process. Like a good guide on your first deep caving adventure. This does not require anyone to be a robot or adhere to toxic authority. Test what comes at you. Fearlessly. Trust that there are good things for you in new seasons. Be unafraid to feel deeply BUT absorb TRUTH and do not let feelings dictate reality. Do not deviate for a lie (no matter how good it sounds) in who you are or what the future holds.
Candid thoughts.
Blessings,
Danielle
Comments